As a writer, what are you sick of hearing from non writers?

#1. I hear that you are a writer. Have I read anything you’ve written? (How the hell would I know?)

#2. I hear that you are a writer. What do you write? (Words, lots of them, every day, now millions of those little buggers gathering lint on my hard drive.)

#3. I hear that you are a writer. I always wanted to be one, but am not smart enough. (OK, if you insist, I’ll agree that I am smarter than you.)

#4. I hear that you are a writer. How do I turn my exciting life into a book? (Turn on your computer and hit the right keys. If monkeys can, you can. And, by the way, the time you shagged the pilot on the flight to Sydney doesn’t count.)

#5. I hear that you are a writer. How did you become one and can I? (Three tips, all from Hemingway: Develop a built in, infallible poop detector, write while drunk, and edit while sober. You’ll have fun even if you don’t publish a word.)